Today, I am visiting my boyfriend as I do every other Monday. He decided to leave with his dad to go car shopping and make it a father/son bonding day. I’m okay with this. I just stayed at the apartment doing homework.
He calls me, needing help with something, and his ringtone plays. I decide that my original phone ringtone is no match for the awesomeness of Happy by Pharrell and attempt to find for when anyone calls my phone.
Instead, I find one for my older sister and change her ringtone.
As I am looking at the information my phone has under her contact, I see a link for postsecret.
I think, “I haven’t been on there,” and decide to hop on and read some secrets other people have decided to share.
My Pandora flips over to the instrumental song of Any Other Name by Thomas Newman. It plays in the background as I noticed all the secrets for Sunday are about eating disorders. As it turns out, February 23rd to March 1st is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week…
Tears rolled down my face and fell off my chin. I just couldn’t help but cry. I was anorexic for most of my high school life, for about 2 and a half years. It still haunts me to this day. But it actually made me feel a little better knowing that other people are effected too. This coincidental chain of events reminded me of my past and how far I’ve come from where I was.
I never really told anyone the deep reasons and effects until the end of last year and no one suspected the entire time I was plagued with anorexia either.
It’s been over two years since I starved myself daily to make myself perfect, or feel perfect. It made me cry to think that I use to feel good about not eating everyday. It made me cry to think that I found a sick satisfaction that I could die from malnutrition. It made cry to know that I knew it was unhealthy but I wanted to do it anyway. It made me cry to think that people complimented me on my weight, my looks, my curves when, in reality, I was starving to make myself be what I thought society wanted from me.
Not only society, but what I thought I wanted from me. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be thin. I wanted to feel like in this spiraling world, I could control something. I could control my weight.
I’ve been told I was only seeking attention. But I wasn’t. No one really knew because I hid it. I kept my satisfaction to myself. As I look back now, I probably wasn’t the only one hiding an eating disorder either.
I wish there was someone there for me when I was going through all this. If you need to talk, just message me and I would be more than happy to chat with you. You are not alone. :)